Written by: Thomas Hobson

It’s the age old question that has plagued scientists for millennia, it has divided families and to a larger extent even nations. Many speculate that the Cold War was actually the result of simmering tensions between both respective nation’s boybands, and who had the best boyband. But enough of what we already know, no doubt you’ve learnt about that stuff through your schooling years. I’m here to deliver the final verdict that has besieged human kind for generations. Years of study, time and government investment dollars have gone into this phenomenon, and I finally have deciphered an answer. What I am about to say is incredibly controversial, and could in fact put myself and even our nation’s safety in danger. However, I must digress, as a respective journalist who will no doubt win a Pulitzer surprise for this exposé I must report the truth.  No they are not talented.

Just take a moment to let that sink in. Just breathe, it will be okay.

They are just manufactured groups that appeal to the younger age bracket of our species, the Twelvies, the Beliebers, the Directioners and to a lesser extent whatever 5SOS people call themselves. The only thing that progresses over time in their music are their haircuts. Now, a lot of people are probably reading this and thinking that I am some jaded 22 year old who doesn’t know what real music is. That may be true… but I certainly know boybands aren’t it. Now, I know trying to process this is like trying to process some obscure linear mathematical equation. I get it, trust me I do. You may be thinking that based on this information your life up until this point has been a lie, or that you have been lied to by people you consider loved ones, and that you will never trust again and for that I’m truly sorry you had to find out this way I truly am, there aren’t days that go by that I don’t wish that boybands were indeed talented groups of individuals, the cold hard truth is they are not. Again I must stress that I base this scientific, noble prize worthy evidence, on hundreds of years of research. (That I cannot disclose to you because it is classified information.)

I hope due to this article that you can go on and live rich fulfilling lives, and that if it changes one person’s opinion on boybands then it has served its purpose.

 

(The above article is in no way based on any solid scientific evidence, it is an opinionated piece in its entirety. If you or someone you know is a member of a boyband and finds offence to what was said please restrain from suing or seeking legal action against the author, I am a student and my assets and liquidity are limited. Instead look for guidance in the form of this quote, from the 2015 movie adaptation of Cinderella “have courage, and be kind.”)